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When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have s3x. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes causes my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, s3xy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I fuckin love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my cock out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL dump, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest poo poo and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in crap and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my feces with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest doo doo of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a poop and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
I didn't write this, but oh my I wish I did!

Where ever the hell you found this, I wanna go. It'll add to my list of disturbing things. BME (all of them), 2girls1cup (pussy shit), 2girls1finger (actually kinda hot), Tubgirl (beyond words), www.gimpyd.com (wish it still existed), and now that story.

omfg thank you so much for posting that. I laughed harder than I have in DAYS. Holy fucking shit, that was rich.

OMFG!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! that's funny shit!

OMG! JESUS CHRIST! THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ! LOL.

anyway is this true or just made up?

Read the fine print.

well they say your first time is suppost to be memoriable...lol
you poor bastard  ;)

You see that bit in red at the very bottom? Copy/paste + Notepad = Legible

Why you trying to fuck up my spot?

I heard he worships MS-scrapteen.

That was hilaaaaaaaaarious!

woa...how the hell did you spot that?

With his eyes?

wow your funny

The dude has 40/20 vision and too much free time.

so this story isnt true. damn, would've been funnier if it was

Ok. Now im not lying when I say that is probably one of the funniest things I've ever read, seen, or heard in my entire life. Thank you for that, but I hope your ready to pay my hospital bill, because I think I broke several ribs from laughing so hard.

 :lol:

i almost hyperventilated

I havent laughed that hard in a loooooooooong time. Probably not since the first couple times I got really high.

You are going to like this. True story. It was the end of 8th grade, and my best friend threw a little party because his parents were away for a couple days. What kind of party can a 8th grader throw, you know? So only about 7 people showed up. 6 dudes...1 girl.

Just as you would expect, some crazy shit happened. This girl was a freak, but hot as hell. She would always have that seductive look on her face... the kind that gets you aroused just by looking at her. We were all good friends in school, but never really chilled outside of it. We were all about 14, and really s3xually inexperienced. This girl however, has fucked at least 20 different guys. From the moment she walked in the house, we could tell what she wanted.

Lost in her desire, she began to grind up on the host. They made out for about 10 mins, but this girl wanted more. She made us all go into the host's room, and play a modified version of spin the bottle. Basically, instead of just making out, she would decide what to do with the guy. At first we were shy, but pretty soon we all started to jack off while the girl did whatever she pleased.

The situation quickly escalated. She was getting fucked in turns, by 3 different guys, fighting over her pussy like the kids that they were. I would've joined them, but then she waved me to come over. My dick was probably the hardest its ever been. Sticking straight out, and pulsating; I felt like it was gonna explode. To my surprise, she grabbed it and just stuck it in her mouth without warning. I had never had my dick sucked before, but let me tell you, it was amazing.

Game as it was, I was ready to cum in seconds. I didn't know what to do, so I asked her where I should blow my load. And at that moment, she said something I will never forget. She turned to me and said, "read the first word of each paragraph."

Lmao... Funny but im not sure I get the punch line.

If you read the first word of each paragraph he wrote it states "You just lost the game"

Yeah but what game...

What the fuck?

Well judging by the story, the game of getting pussy.

I guess I understand... I dunno my brain isnt functioning properly because I have no weed or cigarettes.

or because of weed and cigarettes your brain doesn't function properly anymore?

The paradox.

Jeeze. Freak. 14. Only one in your generation that's not a virgin. I know what that's like.

ok that's just sad that she''s that bigof a slut and ONLY 14

You bring up an interesting point....

I know a girl like that. She just turned 13 and shes pregnant. I feel sorry for that child.

When you're that young and s3xually active, you've got to be extra extra extra careful. Can't be a dipshit and get away with that stuff, man.

its "the game".

Its not a game its, shes a dirty little slut who likes to get stuffed with cock, and drink a lot. She just happened to get wasted, fucked, and impregnated. Like I said, I feel sorry for the kid, he/she's going to have a deadbeat pedophile father and an alcoholic mom.

Why must the children be the ones to suffer...

My first time was at confirmation camp outhouse  8)

Motherfucker! You suck so much. I hadn't lost in like, three weeks!

So rena has your first time been yet?

Interesting question.

LOL I bet she would reprimand you for asking that... That is if she had her mod powers. BWAHAHAHA, YOU ARE POWERLESS!!!

I'm gonna go ahead and let you ponder on that for a while.


=[ MEANIE!

POWERLESS I SAY!!! *evil laughs until he passes out*

God damn. Thats some crazy ass laughin

Hahah wtf!

Yeah u have had, i guess... how old are you ppl btw?

Old enough... to party.

lol ^^

Lmao... I love you Rena. And to answer your question Source... I have no age. Actually if I revealed my true form to you mortals, your heads would instantly explode from the insurmountable magnificence that is Karnac.

I love you too <3

And you amuse me. Why don't we ever talk?

Wow dude that fucking sucks.

I dont know. The only time I can get on a computer is when im babysitting... :(

I didn't know gays were allowed to adopt.

I guess we should talk sometimes. Good idea :P

Are you getting married or something?

Nah I've got a girlfriend.. Sorry Rena :)

Does your GF happen to be a male?

No -.-... She's female... GF = female BF = male.. Understood?

Gross.

:)

Rofl

awwwww....shes falling in love with an internet juggalo

U just h8in cuz she aint hesit8n to tell him wut dorm she lives in

yeah man...you fuckin ruined my deal man. now i got blue balls...i havent raped or even date raped in a good 72 hours or so

You guys are messed up.

just because you dont rape people doesnt make you better than me

PSH. I'd rather the person that I'm banging appreciate that I'm banging them.

nahh...its way more satisfying when they are crying and all that jazz

Nah, it's better when they're screaming for more.

yeah....more police to come

Fo sho. Its so much better when she be tryin to fight you off, and you be fuckin her, and she doesn't like it, at first, but than you can see her nipples is hard so you stick it in her butt and hit that g spot... Than she knows its wrong, but she starts begging for more anyways. But she'll still tell the cops she was raped, because she might get money out of it, and she doesn't want everyone know how much of a slut she be. Bong.

grr naughty

WTF, man.

Wut wut... Yeah das how I role nyuggas. Straight gangsta shit.

Not really, I despise rapists.

rape is awesome...you just havent figured that out yet

SSSSSHHHHHHH I was lying... I just dont want to be put on... *gulp* the... the LIST.... You know what im talkin bout

Fucking hypocrite.

How am I a hypocrite

With your last four or five posts on this thread.

YO YO JUGGALOEZ DONT DIE, WE MULTIPLY!

Is that just another way of saying [Insert real post here]?

Rapists are the lowest dregs of society.

They should all have thier mouths glued to thier asses, to demonstrate the fact that they do indeed suck ass.

Agreed

Oh, so now you're on THIS side again....

hollllly crap that was funny as hell

Well, he be switching sides like he be Santa Anna, dude!

I thought I made it clear I was kidding. Rapists are scum.

Im kind of an asshole though, because I strongly believe women should stop being pussies and work on getting some muscles, and some self defense technuiqes. There are plenty of ways for a woman to get away from a rapist, even without pepper spray or tasers. She just has to grow some fucking balls, and tell that piece of shit, you picked the wrong pussy mother fucker.

Im not advocating rape, im just saying, if a woman knew how to handle herself in that kind of situation, it wouldnt happen as often.

OK so what does one do about a rapist who gets off on pain? I love it when a woman scratches, slaps, bites, pulls my hair and hits me so surely theres a rapist somewhere that loves the same. I mean theres probly dudes out there whose balls you could twist up like a balloon animal and they scream for more...

What the fuck does a woman(or man) do about something like that?

Simple, you kill them. He gets off on pain, let him try and maintain a hard on with his throat ripped out, or his temples smashed in. Break his fucking arms, see what he does with that. Theres a way to counter every situation. There are also a lot of places where you can hit someone, and their body will react accordingly by reflex, like the nose. If you his someone square in the nose, no matter what its a reflex for their eyes to water uncontrollably, and in most cases their head will snap back. There are also pressure points EVERYWHERE on the human body. If you hit someone with even a moderate amount of force, you can disrupt the flow of energy to that point in their body, you dont need to be a master to pull it off either. Hit someone in the solar plexus, I dont care how much you love pain, its hard to chase someone when your breath has been stolen from your lungs.

And than theres always a knife you can carry on you, pepper spray, which will burn ANYWHERE you shoot, or tasers. 

You do any tai-chi, man?

No, I'd like to learn it though, itd make everything else I know 10X more powerful. I'm mainly a self taught fighter, but everything I teach myself stems from Moo Sool Do, Jeet Kune Do, Muetai, and Hapkido.

Awesome. I think you misspelled a few of them, though.

I dont think I did... ven if I did, you get the point.

Yeah... anyway, I'm more of a Tai Kwan Do chick, though Jeet Kun Do and Tai Chi really get my attention. My brother tries and fails at Judo, and my sister does some Karate.

Heh... Little do you know Moo Sool Do IS a form of Tae Kwon Do. My grand master developed it. Its a combination of Tae Kwon Do, Tang Soo Do (which is the ancient form of Tae Kwon Do) and Hapkido.

I think I'd heard of Moo Sool Do before, but I'd never had a chance to learn any of it.

http://www.chungsunhwan.com/

Thats my school, and my master.

Impressive... you anywhere in there?

Not anymore, I was on the old website. I train there for free because my dad is Chungs prized student, but I havent actually been to the school for a real class in years. Rarely it is when I get to go to Kalamazoo, but when I do I spend most of my time in the Do Jang.

Cool. My boyfriend's big on Tae Kwan Do, his sister even went to the olympics as a representative of Mexico.

Hell yeah. I love it, but I dont really like competition TKD too much. Im more a fan of underground OLD STYLE UFC type circuits, where people go and fight however they want, and it isnt just strictly TKD. I cant tell you how many TKD competitions I would have won if there were no chest protectors, and you could hit to the face.

How d'you feel about bare streetfights?

Very dangerous. I dont disagree with competition completely, I think its the best way to really showcase your skills, but street fights are a good way to get real world experience. It isnt like the movies, not everyone fights like in the fuckin Matrix.

I dunno all im saying is that its fine if the combatants are experienced enough to not let things like pride get in the way of things, and if they get their ass kicked, they get their ass kicked. Like Fight Club... Someone says stop goes limp or taps out the fight is over type deal. SOME rules are good, I just hate it when they pussify everything. People should accept that they probably are going to get hurt in a fight, it happens.

I've tried to stop fighting so much lately... but some things just get my blood boiling, you know, and if someone picks a fight with me, I can barely contain myself, man! I have to come home to meditate and shit and it's just plain fucking inconvenient.

Hehe... I love fighting. Im the same way, if someone picks a fight with me, they dont know what they just did to themselves lol.

Hahaha you don't pick fights for yourself though do you?

No I find it dishonorable. Only stupid gorillas completely incapable of rational though pick fights.

I have a few times in the past, but believe me when I say that every one of them had it coming.